Footballitis: the all-American ailment. Symptoms include backache, blurry vision, weight gain, headaches (from slapping the forehead forcefully), bladder dysfunction (from waiting for half-time), disregard of hygiene and personal appearance and, the most common symptom, beer and bean dip-induced burps. Depending on the month, footballitis is also commonly known as basketballitis and, in some areas of the country, hockeyitis.
Long term effects of these syndromes affect a number of neuromuscular and psychosocial systems. Flaccid muscles – except those used for grasping beer cans and chair arms – are common sequelae as is abandonment by family members. Sufferers may also experience tooth grinding, changes in blood pressure, spinal curvature and lower extremity edema from lack of movement. Unused joints – especially knees, ankles and hips – may develop stiffness, arthralgia and, possibly, cobwebs.
There’s a cure!!
Sunday, January 24th is the day your footballitis will be completely – and inexpensively – cured. Imagine! No one will ask for your Medicare card or your insurance carrier, you will not be asked to sign 35 consent forms. All you have to do is extract yourself from that Lazy-Boy and hobble over to Temple Beth-el by 3:15. In that beautiful, peaceful space, you will absolutely forget about that blasted team, you will relax and you will just listen. Listening to a group of Canadians (who are NOT playing hockey) perform wonderful, soothing music. Better than Ben-Gay is the Gryphon Trio.
– E Doyle